Suddenly I feel that life is going too fast. I’m 21, I’m about to start what I hope will become my final education. But worries are coming. Oh the shitstorm in my brain are a brewin’.
Being on the internet, I can’t help but get wind from people who’re in the graphical industry about how hard it is to get a job. And not being ‘popular’ (it’s a strong word to use) as it is with my art, I almost feel like I should just back down and go to my local market and get a job there. I’ve never truly wanted something so much as becoming an animator. The education I will be taking, grants me an opportunity to become this dream. But… What if I’m not good enough, I wonder. What if, after four years of education, I’ll end up still sitting in a market, doing absolutely nothing and never using my education for anything?
It’s tough. Even before starting or even having a graphical job, it’s tough.
I’m also so so nervous about talking to my school.
I currently suffer from depression and anxiety, something that affects me heavily. And I have to mention this to my school’s counsellor. Because hey! If I suddenly need a week off from school because of my mind, I might actually get kicked out. But being labeled with depression is like calling yourself insane in most eyes. And I don’t want to be looked at as someone who’s insane. I’ve experienced that too many times before. I want to be taken seriously.
Besides that, there’s economy. Living in your own apartment and managing two incomes, that aren’t really incomes, but mostly just student support, is proving to be harder than I thought. So money is running low lately.
And the money brings me back to art.
I was thinking of doing comissions, maybe getting a bit of penny to our savings account. But then I thought, well.. I’m not that good, I’m not that popular. Who’d spent precious money on me while the economical crisis is going on? Who’d ever spent money on something you’ve made?
It is a vicious cycle.
I will get through this.
I sure am.
This will be sort of a rant, so if you’re having a really good day (which I hope you are!) I suggest you skip this.
Lately I’ve just been feeling really inadequate and out of place. I get this sometimes, I know it passes. But while it’s happening, I just feel like giving up on everything.
I have body issues a lot of the time and focusing on that gets me in a bad mood. I’m a bit pudgy, chubby, flabby w/e. And I have quite the amount of friends who just have selfconfidence and extreme beauty. I can’t seem to figure ou why I drown myself.
I’ve lately been feeling really good about myself, actually. I’ve been feeling curvacious and sexy, like a pin-up girl. Which of course helps with my confidence of being Mama Scout. But now, knowing that I am soon going to Belgium on vacation, I worry.
What if my bikini body isn’t as sexy as I think it looks? Why do I even worry about possible strangers disliking me?
I feel bad when I’m sitting down and I know that my friends and gf can see my protruding stomach, my flab.
I’m not looking for answers, because I know very well that I can only fix this myself.
And then comes my art. Man, my art.. I feel caught in a hole. I’ve tried over the past years to do some comissions, to get my art up and running. Not exactly popular, but at least a bit known. Because that’s what I aspire to become. Known for my work.
I appreciate every last person who follows me, because it shows me that there are indeed people who likes my art, even just a little.
So I guess, instead of a rant, I’ll just say;
Thank you. Thank you for following me. I really appreciate and love every last one of you. <3